Two Month Reflection

Wow…the two month reflection. I can’t believe it is only two months – I seriously had to double-check on a calendar because I swear I have been here longer. I decided I want to do one of these every month, because it’s a good way for me to look back and think about the bigger picture, and since this blog is also quasi serving as my own journal in addition to a communication tool, it’s time to reflect. And I’m going to be honest.

I dubbed my month in Frankfurt as “the hardest month of my life” – but actually, I think this month takes the cake. As hard as it was in that city, I knew it wasn’t permanent – and maybe that was part of why it was so hard. I knew I couldn’t settle in and get comfortable. But since I’ve been here, and I know I do need to settle in and get comfortable, and try to actually start making a life for myself because I’ll be here for a while, I have had more roadblocks than successes. And it’s easy to get frustrated and worn down when you have an open canvas and no paint to fill it, and no matter how hard you look, you can’t find paint to start your artwork.

I’ll let you go back on your own and read the various entries where I chronicled all the frustrating situations I have dealt with, but I’d like to think that I have done a reasonable job in attempting to get myself in the right places at the right times, and using available resources to do the best job I could. Coming up on the fourth week of school and fifth week in Dresden, I don’t feel like I know much more than I did when I first got here. And I’m not satisfied with the artwork that is forming.

What’s really the problem, as broad and general as I can make it? Am I homesick? Am I lonely? Am I frustrated? I know I don’t like the university, but why?

Depending on who you are and when we last talked, there are several different states of being I have embodied in the past month, with varying degrees of extremity, most of them centered around one theme – I’m just not happy here.

But how unhappy is “just not happy?” And how long is it ok, both logistically and healthily, to be “just not happy?”

I think the main problem, the concept that I can’t seem to get out of my head, is most days I really just feel like I’m wasting time here. I only have a handful of classes and I don’t enjoy most of them because (in my opinion) they are poorly taught and aren’t really worth the energy to come to class. It’s a shame, really, because the classes I have in mind in this description are my German-as-a-foreign-language class and my music history classes. I chose these classes to help me learn the language AND material, but unfortunately I’m not really learning either thus far. It is four weeks into the semester and I want to completely revamp my schedule, again, just to find activities that seem worthwhile to me, but four weeks in, can I really join new classes? I’m not taking them for credit, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

It doesn’t really matter.

With every door that slams in my face, or every roadblock I try desperately to overcome, I just have to keep repeating that phrase to myself. Because in the long run, what am I really doing over here anyway? None of this really matters. And anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I don’t like to waste time.

I chose to take a year off school and delay my graduation for a year in order to do this, in order to have this experience of living overseas for a year. So far my “living” consists of not much to write home about – literally – and as much as I am trying to get out of my room and explore, and see things, and really live, and paint my canvas, there’s only so much I can do, or want to do, or is safe to do, by myself. In the cold and in the rain. And in the midst of train strikes on the national railway system.

By myself? Gosh, I’ve been here for a month already, don’t I know anyone? Read this post in order to answer that question. East Germans aren’t exactly warm and welcoming to Americans, or new people at all, and most of the international students are here in groups and also aren’t really open to meeting other international students who don’t speak their native language. Emily commented on the aforementioned post and said “well, the Swiss can’t ignore me for the whole year!” But I think the Germans can. They’re not mean – they just can’t think of any good reason for me to register on their radar. And until I “learn how things go” I can’t seem to get myself to register, but I can’t “learn how things go” until someone lets me in enough to learn. I’m not giving up yet, but there’s a reason my only real friends over here, after a month, are another American and another Rotary scholar.

Do I see things improving? I have no idea. I can’t speculate on things I don’t know anything about, including this university and the German people, and it’s hard to accurately judge this situation – do I base it on the current state of things, or things as I want them to be or hope they work out to be?

I think I got in over my head. I think Rotary was right in the first place when they said I was too young and I should come back later – after all, I am the youngest Ambassadorial Scholar I have met or seen thus far. I’m the only one who has not yet finished college, who is not doing some sort of graduate degree or graduate work, who still has so many ties to “the life I left.” In the end, they did end up giving me this scholarship. Maybe I shouldn’t have left, but I did. I accepted the scholarship, I chose this city and I chose this school. I can’t really change any of that now.

So what do I do now? I really want things to work out here and for it to be an amazing experience, but is it better to have a mediocre experience here or get one more semester at UGA? I don't want to give up because it's hard, but if it is going to turn into bad a situation that isn't worth my time, I need to be smart about it. Is it still a great opportunity that I would be walking away from, or am I just realizing how screwed up this system is? Can I really do this for another 9 months?? Should I keep trying to break through barriers, just keep fighting and keep my fingers crossed, in hopes that eventually something might work out? Or should I get out while I can still repair some of the damage, and still get out of college in a decent amount of time? I have to do some serious thinking and weigh my options. What really is the most beneficial place for me to be? And what decision will I regret more in the long run?

Depending on the day, my answer is always different.

I know that technically speaking, my scholarship is to be a cultural ambassador, not necessarily a student. But my full title is “Academic Year Ambassadorial Scholar,” and the purpose is to be here and study and learn. There is a separate 6-month long scholarship to purely do cultural activities. I know they still want me to be a cultural ambassador, and the school thing should be on the back burner, but I’m having a really hard time supporting that idea.

But I haven’t forgotten that I do need to soak up as much culture as I can. Every time the weather is nice, and sometimes even when it’s not, I kill time walking around the city and seeing what there is to see. I traveled to Leipzig last weekend, and hopefully can get out and travel more. This weekend I attended a concert and city tour as part of the Jewish Culture Week. I sign up for as many university-sponsored cultural events as I can.

I can’t let myself walk away until I feel like I have exhausted every opportunity and still can’t build anything that is worth it. After all, school is still new. But if I want to come home, I need to make that decision soon because the UGA semester is more than halfway over.

I guess this “reflection” ended up being a lot longer than I intended, but I wanted to put all that out there. In case I do decide to take drastic action, it won’t be a new idea and it won’t be a surprise. But if I decide to stick it out and see what happens, it’s just another battle along the way that makes the experience what it is.

Actually, this is really the first “big girl,” adult, life-altering decision I have ever made. Yes I applied for the scholarship, but it didn’t take any courage or long thoughts to apply, and all I did was say yes when they gave it to me. But the decision to stay or go - that’s one that carries a lot more weight.

Any thoughts or opinions you may have, I’d love to hear them.